Thoughts in the Dark

Sometimes in the darkness of night my mind runs like crazy. My  heart pounds and it's hard to catch my breath.  The realization that I'm alone in the house with a small child is terrifying and I can almost hear see the  monsters hiding in the shadows.  It's not sane, I know...but sometimes it still scares the hell out of me.  It's nights like this that I desperately hate sleeping alone. I so badly wish there was someone here to tell me that things are ok and that I'm not alone.  Laying in bed in the dark with nothing but strangers in a 25 mile range is overwhelming at times. Sometimes I enjoy being on my own and doing things my own way. Nights like this though I would give up that freedom just to have someone next to me to hold my hand and make the world feel a little safer...a little more solid.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks.  Who am I supposed to run to when the nightmares are just too much to face alone in the dark?

My Little Hero

Tonight was a pretty laid back night spent with Orion.  It definitely put me in a better mood and a way better place than I've been for a few days.  That boy can make me laugh so hard with just a look.  Hearing him laugh, or even fake it, puts a smile on my face every time.  Him covering his face and yelling "that's funny momma" is so damn cute.  We ran to the store, had supper together, and then watched the Smurfs movie.  It wasn't as bad as I had expected for sure, and getting to watch something with O that I remember watching when I was little was kind of special.  It made me feel all sentimental and I was thrilled to see that he liked the Smurfs as much as I used to.  Not to mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it!

By the time the movie was done it was bed time for O.  I laid him down, kissed his face, and told him I loved him, just like I do every night.  He always asks me to lay down with him, and most nights I tell him that I have to go to my bed.  Tonight though I took those few extra minutes to lay down next to him and just listen to him breath as he started to doze off.  Keep in mind this isn't an easy task.  Orion still sleeps in a toddler bed...meaning the mattress is the size of a crib.  Needless to say, there isn't a lot of free space on the bed.  As he drifted off to sleep I kissed his little nose and snuck out of the room.  The house was silent and it's always that moment when the loneliness is at it's peak.  There is no noise, no life.  It's a hard time of day for me.  Instead of dwelling in it I picked out a nail polish, put on some  Vitamin String Quartet and just chilled for a little bit.   I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday.  I still have a busy mind and desperately need to sleep, but that sense of inconsolable sadness is gone for now.  Sometimes all it takes is an evening to remind me just how lucky I am.