New Year's Eve

The new year is literally minutes away at this point.  The last year has brought me a very different life in a new house and a new city.  My job has stayed the same but pretty much everything else has been turned slightly on its head.  While it is occasionally frightening,  it has been quite a blessing at the same time.  My son has grown and developed into a handsome,  polite,  intelligent boy.  My job,  while needlessly painful at times,  is still some place I generally enjoy.  And my life... Well... I'm happy.  That alone is a major improvement. I am sitting on the couch,  watching someone I love a great deal play a silly game, while we share a bottle of wine and while there is no excitement... There is no where I would rather be in this moment. 

For me,  this has been a year of forgiveness and change.  It had been a year of healing and growth.  It hadn't been perfect,  but I'm a better person for having lived it.  That's about all I can really ask.  I genuinely hope the next year can be one of joy and stability both for myself and all of you. I know I still have a lot of growing to do,  but for the first time in a very long time I'm not afraid.  Happy New Year to you all.  May the next year be everything you hope it may be. 

Random Thoughts on a Forgotten Blog

It's a quiet week at work, which is something that I'm not going to complain about right now.  It's also a  short work week so that makes it even better!  The new year is right around the corner.  I can't believe how quickly 2012 has gone.  Once again I find myself looking back over the year and I am quite surprised at where my life has taken me.  1 year ago I would definite not have thought I would be where I am today.  I've never been one for resolutions, but I'm seriously considering attempting to make one this year.  There are a few things that I would like to improve in my life, so maybe this is a chance to do those things...However, I realistically know that my follow through on some of those things is not always great.

Classes will pick back up in a little over a week...but I only have 12 classes to complete before I can graduate.  I definitely have the desire to complete my degree, so I'm very excited to be so close.  3 semesters.   Overall, that is not that long, but at the same time it seems so far away.

As you an see I'm a bit scatter-brained today.  It's leftover from yesterday, when I forgot to blog completely.  Oh well...it's better than nothing right??

The Eve

Each year in the past I have made the trip home to spend Christmas with my family. This year that just wasn't really an option.  So while I would normally be surrounded by noisy giggling family members,  today was instead spent at home with my little family. We didn't do much of anything... Sat around watching movies and playing video games.  For the first time ever I made home made egg noodles and made beef and noodles.  Earlier this weekend I went all out and made an entire turkey feast. It has been my goal to make things seem like a real holiday.  I enjoy taking care of my family,  but it hasn't been easy.  It's hard to not be with my family when it is what I am so used to.  There is comfort in that place despite it not being a happy place all the time. It's hard to explain it and probably makes me sound crazy.  I love my life but it still feels like something is missing to not be celebrating the holidays with my sisters or my mom.  Tonight we took Orion to see the Christmas lights down town and he was so excited that it definitely helped lift my spirits a bit.  The amount of joy that he brings just makes the world a brighter place. I hope that enthusiasm for life never fades from him.  We drove until he fell asleep and now I sit at home in the blue glow of my tree,  listening on as Seth shares random music with his younger sister.  Life isn't always what I expect it to be,  but I try to make it the very best I can.

Snow and thunder

Today is the first real snow storm of the year.  We have gone 290 days without snow and I can't say that I missed it.  Being someone who commutes to work, snow means longer and more dangerous travel,  neither of which I'm a fan.  I'm hoping that there is enough snow to cancel work and not just enough to make things slippery and terrible.  Right now I'm sitting in the living room,  watching ninja turtles with my son,  and listening to the thunder as the snow piles up outside.  It sounds like spring but opening the door quickly breaks that illusion.  Here is hoping that everyone is safe and warm,  and that is get to sleep in tomorrow.

Suddenly December

Last time I checked in here, things were heading toward change.  That time came and went and I'm finally settling into a new routine. I got myself, my son, and my stuff all moved into the new house. It's been a bit of a transition, but things have gone much more smoothly than I had anticipated that it would.

I have to admit, sometimes it still scares the crap out of me.  I know this is what I want to do and what I need to do, but that does not make it any less intimidating.  I've been hurt, but I'm learning to forgive and move on.  That is most definitely not my strong suite, but I'm trying.  Overall though, I'm so ecstatic to have my family back that I can't even begin to explain it.   I've made the decision (as if I weren't busy enough) that I'm going to go back to trying to blog a couple times a week.

Oh Broken Jukebox

When I woke up this morning singing "Smooth Sexy Monkey" by Machine Gun Fellatio I knew it was the kind of day that requires me to track the mental soundtrack. While brushing my teeth the song ringing through my head was "Bohemian Rhapsody." 

I made it to work without too much activity...probably since I was actively listening to the radio...however, sitting at work a co-worker walked in and said "another day in paradise right?"  Of course that sparked "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins. 

Randomly Volbeat starts to play "I'm So Lonely I Could Cry" out of no where and I begin to question my sanity.  

I dig through my brain to try to remember the original singer of the song.  Before I can get there the SuckerPunch soundtrack takes over and I'm singing along to "White Rabbit" by Emiliana Torrini all before lunch.  It quickly merges with Johnny Cash "If You Could Read My Mind."  Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes welcomes me "Home" and the idea seems quite nice.  I sit at my desk, staring out the window, and suddenly I find myself singing "How Does a Duck Know" by Crash Test Dummies.  

Blue October wants me to be "Independently Happy" but sometimes that is easier said than done.  However, Deaf Pedestrians are saying "Hail To the Geek" so I can't complain too hard.  Especially since Amanda Palmer wants to "Do it with a Rock Star." 

I'm sure the broken jukebox in my head will continue to be sporadic and unexpected throughout the day.  Who knows where it will take us next.

New Beginnings

The last six months of my life have been a whirlwind to say the very least.  Because of that I've migrated a few of the posts form the past (maybe 10% of them?) and am going to be starting over with a brand new blog.  Today is as good a day as any to start over.  So what have I been up to you ask?  Well, let's make this photo intense.  Pictures speak louder than words right?......

 I was blonde for a while and made a costume for Pirate Festival!

I enjoyed some quality berry-picking time.  

We took a trip to the Wildlife Safari.

Went to a concert with my parents!

Visited Indian Caves.....

I spent some time in Kansas with my little sister...

I was a red-head again and went to Chicago for the first time!

We went to the Rainforest Cafe.  I've loved these places since I was a kid so it was awesome to get to share it with my son!

We blew things up for the 4th of July...

And then went to an Icon for Hire concert where we were able to meet and hangout with the band!

We played dress-up more than humanly necessary.

And Orion played photographer for geese and momma's legs

We got to go watch Bill Nye give a speech (which was AWESOME!). 

I tried to eat Sushi....and almost barfed (Ok, so I'm not totally grown up yet).

I rode a motorcycle!

Went to the pumpkin patch

And spent some quality time in nature.

I learned about hair chalking and probably did it more often than an adult should do.

And had a great Halloween dressed as a Pirate.



So as you can see, life has been full of adventures, and they just keep coming.  My birthday is just around the corner (I've got my eye on a few b-day tiaras!) and Thanksgiving will be here before I know it.  In other big news, I will be re-locating to the big city.  It's a pretty major change, but one that is necessary.  We have decided to try to get the family back together, and that means...well...getting the family back together.  It's a pretty big deal but I'm really excited (and nervous as hell).  Who knows what the future holds? 

People Watching

It always amazes me how much you can learn from people watching.  Sitting in a public place, just listening, people tend to forget you exist.  You hear their personal drama, woes, and misfortunes broadcast through one ended phone conversations and blasted through carrying voices.  Things are said in the company of strangers that most wouldn't share with anyone but their closest friends.  I realize that the "polite" thing to do is to tune them out, but you can't really be faulted for the things that you overhear.  It isn't as if I'm hiding in the bushes or sneaking around the corner.  Sitting in plain site or just walking down the street you can overhear things about strangers that you wouldn't care to know about family.

I've heard stories of secret love and romance, squishy words shared between a couple that is nauseatingly sweet.  I've listened as a woman shared her most recent bout of VERY "personal" problems with someone unknown on the phone.  I've heard admissions of secrets and woeful stories of regret.  I've caught whispered words shared within earshot of dozens of strangers.  I think part of it is as society we've become so self-involved that we don't always notice the people around us.  It's a world where it isn't uncommon to know the names of your neighbors, so why would a random stranger on the street be of any concern?  I admit that part of this project is counter-active to that self-indulgent side of society...being totally selfish in it's format.  On the other side though, I'm sharing myself and my story with the world.  Maybe that balances things out?  Who knows.

Spring Fever

Mondays are a time for new beginnings.  At least that's what I tell myself when 6am comes way too early and I have to crawl out of bed for another adventure in the working world.  Adult life is a vicious cycle sometimes, waking up early and hoping for the week to pass quickly so we can once again encounter the divine weekend...only to see our goal flash by way too quickly.  Lather, rinse, repeat. Part of me relishes that security and monotony.  The cyclical repetition makes things predictable and safe.  I appreciate that, especially during times where the rest of the world seems to be falling apart.  On the other hand, a small part of me misses the freedom of childhood.  I think I have spring fever desperately and want to escape for a little while.  I don't need any specific plans, but a brief moment where I can just relax would be spectacular. I find myself daydreaming of times when I could soak up the sun while lounging in a random body of water and hoping for that much needed escape.  I know the heat of summer will be here before I know it followed all too soon by the chill of fall.  It's a constant internal battle.  Part of me wants to jump forward, but the other part clings to the present hoping not to miss a second of it.  I guess that's the life of an adult.  Wanting to make it through everything in the right time frame...whatever that may be.  For now I'll just enjoy what I have while I've got it.  The weather is still cool and refreshing, Orion is a beacon of eternal joy, and life overall seems to be ok.  Tomorrow is another brand new day.  Who knows what it has waiting in the wings for me.  I'm looking forward and will meet the challenges head on.  

Asylum Nights

Today it finally feels like spring may be here. The sunshine was much needed after a long night of nightmares and overwhelming thoughts. Today I felt alive and awake. I spent my lunch hour sitting n the grass, bare foot, painting my nails and it felt amazing.I can't wait for spring to decide to stay around.
Last nights nightmare was so vivid that it made it impossible to go back to sleep. I have never fully understood why my dreams seem so terrifying at the time but then seem ridiculous to be scared of in the daylight.

 Here is the gist of last night's dream:

Me and a man went to investigate a haunting at an asylum. It was supposedly haunted by a little evil girl. From what I could gather the asylum was still in use.  Either that or the apparitions were so vivid that I couldn't tell the difference between the living and the dead. We were doing a walk-through of the building when we came to a room where there is a small girl sitting on a doctor's table with a short bob hair cut and bangs. Her hair was a dirty blonde and she had huge brown eyes. She was in a faded blue hospital gown. An old male doctor was examining her. He had a stethoscope held to her chest and was listening to it.  He looked at the man with me and called him over, asking for his assistance.  The man I was with walked over and stood next to the girl.  The doctor worked his stethoscope across the little girls chest towards the man and then started listening to the man's chest.  He pulled the man in front of the little girl and I saw her get on her knees behind him and begin to whisper in his ear.  She looked at me as she whispered but the man didn't react at all.  It was almost as if he couldn't hear her.  The entire time she just stared at me with her huge dark eyes.  Eventually she stopped, smirked at me, hopped off the table, and left the room in the opposite direction from where we came in.  The doctor finished with the man and we decided to call the search off for the night.  Apparently we were staying in the hospital because our room looked like any room in an asylum with just a bed, but the bed was a queen sized one with one large navy blue blanket.  We laid down to sleep.  At one point while I was sleeping I was dragged to the foot of the bed and woke up laying sideways in the bed clear at the foot.  I tried to pull my blanket back up but it was like something was fighting me.  I searched the room and saw nothing and finally it was almost like it let go so I scrambled to the head of the bed once again.  The man next to me never stirred.  I laid down beside him once again and turned so my back was pressed up against him and I could see the wall next to the bed and closed my eyes.  A short time later I woke up again, only this time it was because I could hear whispering.  I opened my eyes and the little girl from the examining room was standing next to my bed, only her blonde hair had turned black and she had a red and black light that seemed to glow from around her eyes, almost like an incredibly bright eyeliner.  She once again smirked at me and just walked out the door without ever touching me.  As soon as she left the door slammed shut and the entire room began to shake.  The bed lifted off the ground and the man beside me finally woke up, screaming.  He had been sleeping on his stomach and when he rolled over I saw tiny letters carved into the flesh of his stomach and chest.  The bed hit the floor....


and at this point I woke up for real.  The rest of the night was sleepless, but looking back it doesn't really seem all that bad.....

Uncertainty

Things really never do end up how you seem.  Sometimes things fall apart when you least expect it...or maybe just fall into place in way you weren't expecting.  Sometimes it feels like everything is shattered and you don't know how to pick up the pieces.  Other times it seems more like it melts into an indistinguishable puddle.   I guess that's what the uncertainty of life is all about.  It's that unknown that can drive a person crazy.  The wondering and considering...the not knowing the effect of everything...*sigh* I wish I had all the answers, or even some of them.  I'd be happy with some sort of guidance in the right direction.  A helpful word telling me that I wasn't just making a mess of everything would be fine.  Instead we're all stuck trying to figure out a recipe when we aren't even sure what the right ingredients are or if we even have them.

Awkward Mourning

It's definitely weird to be back here.  There are awkward silences where they wouldn't be awkward before.  I'm not quite sure what to say or how to behave.  Part of me knows that they are glad I'm here, but I also feel a bit like I'm in the way.  I really just want to stay out of the way.  I don't want to make this process any harder for anyone.  I am glad that I got to have some time with Arlana today at least.  I don't feel weird around her the way I do around Seth's family.   Oh well.  I know I need to be here and I'm glad that I can be.  It's just weird.

Valentine Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster of a day.  Orion woke up before the alarm clock this morning and the little dude was still sick.  We got up, got ready, and took him into town to spend the day with his daddy so I could go to work.  As I was leaving Seth's place, the front stairs of the apartment complex were...umm...well let's just say they were a little slippery.  I somehow managed to baseball slide down the entire flight.  Needless to say that hurt like a bitch! Of course there was an entire van full of people sitting there to see my graceful moves.  *sigh*

I picked myself up, brushed off my pride, and went to work...where of course I was now late! Luckily my boss is awesome and wasn't upset about it.   Work was ok, nothing terribly exciting.   However, today is Valentine's day...and for the first time ever I got flowers!  They are beautiful roses.  They smelled amazing and made the day seem a lot better off. I also got a carnation from Orion.  He was so proud.  I've always played off Valentine's day to be not a big deal...and really it isn't, but there is something that just makes you feel good to know that someone cares about you that much.  It also helps to be "that" girl with a dozen roses sitting at her desk.  It definitely helped to brighten my day a whole lot.   

After work I drove home and started cooking supper.  We got a phone call that Seth's grandpa is not doing well at all.  They said he is going downhill quickly so we may have to be making a trip out there sometime this week.   As I said, a roller coaster of a day. I'm in bed and just hoping to get some sleep once I get this all posted.  I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine's day.

Hemingway Prompt

 Today I made the following post on both Facebook and Google+: 

 

Someone once bet Ernest Hemingway that he found not write a short story in just six words. This is what he came up with:

For sale: baby shoes, never used.

He won the bet and is said to have considered it his best work. Those six words paint a story...one that may be different for every reader. I know I have some very creative friends out there so I challenge each of you to come up with your own 6 word story.

This isn't some random Facebook chain letter by the way. This comes straight from the random mind of yours truly. I'm very curious to see what you all come up with.

 

I got some really interesting comments so far and I'm hoping to get some more over the next couple days.  Here is what I've got so far: 

• This is a lie...believe me.
• She waved! But not at you.
• The chainsaw screams. So does she.
• I said I have to pee.
• Out of meds, and he pushed...
• Afraid of the dark. Scratching. Noises.
• pinano pants. the memories are grand
• I used to dream in color.
• Black car, one bullet, life lost
• Sorry, never happened to me before

It's been a fun project.  I'm hoping to come up with some more ideas like that to post and spark thoughts in other people.  I like that stuff. 

Thoughts in the Dark

Sometimes in the darkness of night my mind runs like crazy. My  heart pounds and it's hard to catch my breath.  The realization that I'm alone in the house with a small child is terrifying and I can almost hear see the  monsters hiding in the shadows.  It's not sane, I know...but sometimes it still scares the hell out of me.  It's nights like this that I desperately hate sleeping alone. I so badly wish there was someone here to tell me that things are ok and that I'm not alone.  Laying in bed in the dark with nothing but strangers in a 25 mile range is overwhelming at times. Sometimes I enjoy being on my own and doing things my own way. Nights like this though I would give up that freedom just to have someone next to me to hold my hand and make the world feel a little safer...a little more solid.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks.  Who am I supposed to run to when the nightmares are just too much to face alone in the dark?

My Little Hero

Tonight was a pretty laid back night spent with Orion.  It definitely put me in a better mood and a way better place than I've been for a few days.  That boy can make me laugh so hard with just a look.  Hearing him laugh, or even fake it, puts a smile on my face every time.  Him covering his face and yelling "that's funny momma" is so damn cute.  We ran to the store, had supper together, and then watched the Smurfs movie.  It wasn't as bad as I had expected for sure, and getting to watch something with O that I remember watching when I was little was kind of special.  It made me feel all sentimental and I was thrilled to see that he liked the Smurfs as much as I used to.  Not to mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it!

By the time the movie was done it was bed time for O.  I laid him down, kissed his face, and told him I loved him, just like I do every night.  He always asks me to lay down with him, and most nights I tell him that I have to go to my bed.  Tonight though I took those few extra minutes to lay down next to him and just listen to him breath as he started to doze off.  Keep in mind this isn't an easy task.  Orion still sleeps in a toddler bed...meaning the mattress is the size of a crib.  Needless to say, there isn't a lot of free space on the bed.  As he drifted off to sleep I kissed his little nose and snuck out of the room.  The house was silent and it's always that moment when the loneliness is at it's peak.  There is no noise, no life.  It's a hard time of day for me.  Instead of dwelling in it I picked out a nail polish, put on some  Vitamin String Quartet and just chilled for a little bit.   I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday.  I still have a busy mind and desperately need to sleep, but that sense of inconsolable sadness is gone for now.  Sometimes all it takes is an evening to remind me just how lucky I am.