Mental Jukebox

Today I took the time to try to track the songs that play in my head throughout the day.  It's all over the place, random, and how my brains work.  Enjoy the crazy.

Lip Gloss by Lil Mama
Kill You by Eminem
Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
Airplanes by B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams
Hoes & Ladies by Lil Wayne
Fuck you by Lily Allen
People of Walmart by Jessica Frech
Cookin by the Book by Lazytown (mashup)
Falling Away From Me by Korn
Time of My Life by David Cook
Roll Out by Ludacris
Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5
Into the Ocean by Blue October
My Heart by Paramore
Love the way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rihanna
Double Team by Tenacious D
Stupify by Disturbed
Roman's Revenge by Nicki Minaj
Crossroads by Bone Thugs
Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
Dance (Ass) Remix by Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj
Not Myself by Christina Aguilera
Don't Matter by Akon
Schizophrenia by Blue October
Anyone Else But You by Moldy Peaches

So that's what's playing in my head right now...from the time I woke up until now...at least the stuff I was able to catch.  Who needs the radio with a mental playlist like that??

Birthday!!

Today was my birthday party and what a day it turned out to be.  Tamara and JoDee were here from Wyoming and we spent most of the day lounging around the house watching movies and giggling at randomness.  We did hit up Seward for some lunch and quality time to scare the locals.  For supper we drove into town and grabbed some bbq...and I got a pretty princess birthday tiara.  It was a requirement of my celebration!

There was lots of laughter and stories at supper. Afterwords we all ended up going to a bar/pool hall to play a few games of pool.  We are all equally horrible players so it was a lot of fun.

Carra fell off the pool table, Dawn got to be my awesome pool partner, Ashley and I danced to Lady GaGa, and Tamara played cheerleader.  All in all I'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves a lot more than I had originally anticipated.  It was a pretty damn good night. 

Insecurities

Insecurities.  I have about a million of them...mental, emotional, physical things that I am embarrassed about or just don't feel comfortable with.  For example...my teeth.   I hate them.  For years I've hated my smile and just the thought of having to show my teeth makes me very uncomfortable.  They are not straight, not perfectly white...and I have fangs.  No, I'm not making that up.  I have two incisors that are longer and sharper looking than the rest of my teeth giving them a very fang-like appearance.  I've used them to frighten children.  It's sad.  I've considered having them fixed, but the idea of being put back into braces is almost worse than the teeth themselves (I still have real physical scars from my first adventure there).  So for now I live with them and am trying to learn to accept them.  I'm happy again, and with that comes my smile.  For now I will try to grin and bear it (pun intended).

Forgot to Breath

Laying here holding my breath because somewhere along the way I've forgotten how to breathe.  My eyes are closed to hide from the rage that fills my vision.  Covering my ears to block out the noises that ring in my head.  I bite my tongue to keep it in place, knowing it only seeks to destroy that which I so desperately want to resolve. The thoughts pound through my mind like an unwanted stampede, racing this way and that, with no way to rein it all in.  I search for an answer, a way to make it stop, but all I find is a barrage of chaos aimed at tearing me apart.  I no longer know how to respond or which way to turn. Every time I feel like I have it figured out, my world seems to collapse around me and I'm left behind, grasping for some level of sanity, and praying for my survival.  

Nightmares

It's almost 5am and I just woke up from one of the most fucked up nightmares I've ever had.
Key points: 
It kept changing between two totally different points of view, 1st person (me as the kid & me watching the kid).
Helping the man I'm with torture someone else in what appears to be a big walk in furnace w a fire in the middle. The room we're in seems to be a large semi-abandoned looking warehouse for some random brand of icecream. The icon on the icecream looks like the big boy logo.
I walk into the big furnace to help him push some unseen victim into a cage deep inside the furnace & off to the right. Both sides are lined with these cages. He walks toward the entrance of the furnace and I follow. As we go to walk past the fire in the center the camera changes and I watch as the man turns around and pushes me hard back into the fire. I can see the fear in my eyes.  And then I can see the pain as the flames touch my skin and start to burn. My shirt bursts into flames and I'm screaming. The embers from the bottom are embedding themselves into my back. I can't get out...all I can do is watch myself scream in pain.   
The man reaches for me, takes my hand, and pulls me out of the fire. The camera moves and I can see the charred black skin on my back. I know I need a hospital or I will die. I then am back to being the kid. The man asks me if I'm in much pain. I tell him I think I will be ok (wtf). He says "I saved you, thank you very much."   I actually thank him then for saving me. He is horrible and terrifying, and I thank him.  He then walks behind me to look at the damage.
He says "the skin is quite damaged thank you very much."  (My brain keeps thinking of the count in princess bride).  I tell him it only hurts a little. There is suddenly a searing pain in the center of my back and I scream again. He turns me around and shows me a latch hook as thick as one of my fingers. He says "there wasn't much pain, but the matching on in your back makes it so I am able to keep you here if you misbehave, thank you very much."  
I nod silently and walk away. Together him and I walk out to a van/ice cream truck. I get into the seat and have to sit clear forward to avoid the pain of the burns and torn flesh. He is driving and I am giving completely half hearted & random directions. We somehow end up at one of the icecream parlors from the warehouse. He asks me "you think it was a good idea to bring me to one of my own shops?"  I see an amused spark in his eye. I want to scream but somehow know better. He parks the van behind the store and walks around it. He opens my door & grabs me by my hair to pull me out of the van. He uses my hair & latch hook to drag me into the back of the store and through a trap door. Here, next to the walk in freezer is a giant tool box. He throws me into a corner where I hit a wall hard and am somewhat dazed.
The camera changes again and I'm watching the events happening. He grabbs a handful of latch hooks out of the tool box and then approaches me. He pushes me completely to the floor (laying on my belly) and sits on me. He uses a blade to cut holes in my skin (which are still to small) and shoves about a dozen latches into my back from neck to tail bone. There is so much pain and so much blood. At first I scream & beg & cry. Eventually I stop fighting and am just laying there. I thought I had died. He finishes his work and stands up to admire it. He then pulls me off of the floor and sits me up on a table. The camera moves again behind me so I can see the mangled flesh that used to be my back, then I'm me again. I can feel his breath on my skin & smell the sweat. He's pressed up against me hard. He's hard. He leans close and whispers in my ear. "The pain is temporary thank you very much. I had to be sure I could contain you in a moments notice thank you very much". He smiles at me. He hugs me. I want to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. I'd rather be dead right now. He takes my hand lovingly and stands me up. He walks me towards the walk in freezer. As he opens the door I can see destroyed bodies of others hung along the walls...and in the very back is my throne. A huge chair practically covered with chains & blades. One set of the chains run down the back of the chair & would fit perfectly through the hooks in my back. I can see what he has planned, and as he walks into the freezer, I pull my hand away suddenly and slam the freezer door shut behind him. I hear him scream in rage as I sprint as hard as I can up the stairs and start to fumble with the trap door. I finally find the latch and as I open the door to escape I woke up.
So now I'm laying in bed with a light on and a (happy) movie playing in the background. I know I need to get up and get ready for work but I am so tired. I just want to sleep but don't know if I can do that either. Fuck this day already. 

Horror Prompt

Select a book at random in the room.  Find a novel or short story, copy down the last sentence and use this line as the first line of your new story.

The Book of Blood by Clive Barker

It's best to be prepared for the worst, after all, and wise to learn to walk before breath runs out. 

Life can be a real bitch like that sometimes.  It's a lesson I've had to learn the hard way.   Just about the time I think that maybe things are going to be ok for once, BAM a bus comes out of no where and wipes out all signs stability in the world.  It sounds a bit melodramatic I know, but it's how things happen.  How else are you supposed to react when you learn that your partner of 10 years is a demon?  Maybe I should back up a little bit. 

 I first met Ed Thosty as a quiet, awkward teenager living in the middle of nowhere.  Our quirky personalities meshed well and bonded immediately.  We were inseparable, spending hours pondering the world around us and dreaming of the future.   Year after year seemed to ease by and before I knew it we were adults, living in the big city, holding down real jobs, and living the American dream.  Life had taken an unexpected path, but no matter how crazy or chaotic things were I always knew that Ed was there to support me and my ventures.  It was because of this that we became business partners.   There was no one else I trusted or depended on more than him. 

Everything was great for a few years and the business was growing and expanding.   That's when I  first started to notice the changes. At first Ed was more standoffish and harder to get involved in conversations.  I tried to see if something was wrong but he assured me things were fine.  Eventually he began to disappear, first for just a few hours, but then for days on end.  He would return ragged, worn out, and worse off than when he had vanished. I grew worried and suspicious.  I wanted to follow him but was terrified of what he had gotten himself into.  Crime?  Drugs?  What was terrorizing my friend and partner so badly?   I had to know.  One night I'd had enough.  He wouldn't talk to me at all and I could see in his eyes that he was ready to take flight yet again.  I followed.  I wish I hadn't because there are certain things you can not unsee, but I followed nonetheless. 

He left the office building and started walking down the street toward an apartment building just around the corner.  His approach slowed as he neared the door so I ducked behind a dumpster to avoid detection.  Ed looked around to make sure he was alone and then looked like he was going to be sick.  He leaned over and I thought he was going to vomit, so I stood up to approach him.  His body began to twitch and contort, first slowly but then as if his bones were trying to rip through his skin.  It stretched and expanded before finally seeming to explode from his body.  Before me stood an unrecognizable horror, black and gleaning in the street lights.  He seemed to be all tooth and claw.  I screamed.  I tried not to because I didn't want him to see me, but I couldn't hold it back.  Once it slipped past my lips I couldn't stop.  I cried, I begged.....and he came closer.  I thought my life was over.  I was going to die in the hands of my partner, my closest friend, the one person I could always depend on.  He was going to rip me to shreds.  Instead he looked at me and tried to explain, but I couldn't understand the demonic tongue spewing from his mouth.  He reached to touch me and my paralysis broke.  I ran as hard and fast as I could back to my office and locked the door behind me.  I waited for him to come, but he never followed.  It's been six months now and I still haven't seen him.  I still have nightmares of the horror I can't get past.  I've had to learn to be independent and stand on my own.  I see his face staring at me from the shadows.  I think I'm losing my mind, but sometimes it's best to be prepared for the worst, after all, and wise to learn to walk before breath runs out.   

Aural Ecstasy

I'm trying to find the words to explain the way I feel....the emotion that is buried in my brain.  It's nearly impossible.  I can't explain it well enough to make it easy to comprehend exactly what I'm experiencing.  I want to show it to the world, but at the same time I try not to say it too much because I don't want the words to lose their value and mean less because they are the standard.  I  haven't yet found adequate words to explain that connection.  It's is like hearing a song for the first time and realizing that it's your favorite song.   You don't know what caused it, or why it is that it has touched you so deeply, but you find yourself wanting to know every note and lyric.  Wanting to understand the meaning behind it and all the stories that made it what it is. Wanting to share that joy with the world while at the same time wanting to hoard it away and keep it all to yourself to enjoy over and over...listening to it on repeat because it never gets old.