Samplings of a Letter

I sometimes find myself sitting at my desk wondering if insanity is really such a bad option.  Right now I almost pray for delusions of grandeur and visions of dancing unicorns.  I don't think the truly insane feel pain like this.  Never have I felt so inconsolably lost.  I fake my way through the day with smiles and positivity while inside I'm torn, beaten, and burning.  I'm overwhelmed with the support across the board and don't know how to respond to it....or how to explain that some days no matter how much they all care, it isn't nearly enough.

I'm trying to find the time to learn who I am now...as a person.  I've spent my entire adulthood as a couple and am unsure how to approach the world now that the security of that is gone.  Even time seems to move differently now.  It seems to blur together and stand still at the same time.  Maybe I need a new habit.....or hobby as the case may be, but nothing seems to keep my attention.  TV and movies aren't the same when I'm alone (stupid romance), gaming alone is lame, I can't focus on anything long enough to read.  Hell, writing this has been almost like pulling teeth.  That isn't to say I'm not enjoying writing, but that it takes much more effort than it ever has and makes it hard to want to "try" something that has always come so naturally.  I just want to sleep away my time and not bother with anything else.  I'm always so tired.

Living Alice

Running scared, lost and confused
and stumbled into my very own rabbit hole.
One to give me love. One to give me pain.
One to set me off, one to set me straight.
Which door to choose, which path to take?


Chaos in ways never before imagined
The world upside down by surprise. 
Foes in places unsuspected
for reasons unknown
And no way to turn back or go home.