Web Hosting!

It's been a very exciting week for me.  I launched my first officially hosted website for an organization that I am thrilled to be a part of.  I designed, purchased, and published the website all on my own.  I made the announcement earlier this afternoon and now I'm waiting to see how the public reacts.  I'm incredibly excited.  I also launched twitter and facebook fan pages , as well as a Google+ Page with it to sync the information across as many social networking sites as possible.  So far today I have had over 70 page visits.  It may seem small scale, but I'm still quite proud of it.  Hopefully I can get some feedback and know what changes need to be made and what direction to take things in the future.

To the Stars Retreat

I honestly don't even know where to begin this post.  Last weekend I had the opportunity to attend the To the Stars retreat in Topeka, Kansas.  The people that were in attendance were absolutely fantastic.  I feel more at ease with myself than I have in a long time.  There was good food, great information, and so much love.  First and foremost I have to say thank you to the Ad Astra Grove, lead by Amanda Thomas for hosting this event. It was an honor to be able to attend and I am looking forward to seeing this event grow and prosper over the years.  I also want to thank both Drum and Michael Dangler, who were our travelling clergy to this even. It was fantastic to get to meet you both and the information that you shared with us is absolutely priceless.  Now, my personal experience.....

I started this weekend expecting some relaxation and socializing and ended up getting so much more.  I have to be honest here and state that I am generally not an incredibly social person.  I am very shy and tend to stutter and feel like a fool when I'm put on the spot.  I have somehow found myself in a leadership role and it's pushing those boundaries in an unexpected and very appreciated way.  I found myself socializing with almost 30 people, many of whom I had never met before.  I got to know other people in the region that I may not have known otherwise and had an amazing time.  The most surprising of all was the amount of love, appreciation, and compliments that I received from the people there.  I often feel like what I am doing isn't good enough or appreciated, often I feel like a burden.  I suddenly realize that what I am doing IS beneficial and good.  I went in expecting people to not have a clue who I was, and was instead approached by strangers and given compliments.  I was caught off guard in a great way. It made me feel really really good. 

The event itself was absolutely amazing.  The workshops that were presented taught me so much and allowed me to hear the experiences that others have had and share my own.  We learned how to build an effective prayer, and the different reasons we may pray or do devotionals.  This is something that I have struggled with for a very long time, so it was nice to get some ideas on how to to use prayer effectively.   

We then did a workshop on connecting with your ancestors and I know it was very beneficial for a lot of people.  Many people have tense family history, so getting information on how to connect with this Kindred.  It was very heartwarming to hear the stories from people and know that we all have individual struggles that we can get past. 

The third workshop was information on the basics of a ritual, the difference between private and public rituals, and important things to consider.  I've never been one that is incredibly comfortable with formal ritual, so I think this workshop was probably the most beneficial one for me.  It showed the importance of gestures and movement, as well as some historical thoughts on why things are done the way that the are.  

Overall, I had an amazing time.  I made some new friends, got to spend a lot of quality time laughing and sharing thoughts with amazing people, and spend a lot of time talking with Drum about life and our thoughts and ideas.  He impressed me so very much.  He has an amazing heart and warmth to him that means you can't help but want to be in is company.  I am very much looking forward to attending this and other events in the future, which is honestly something that I could not have said last week.  Who knows what other changes this event may bring?  

Happy 4th Birthday, Orion!

Today my baby boy turns 4.  I have no idea how that is possible.  I remember so clearly the first time he said "mama" and watching him waddle himself along the floor on his hands and feet because he didn't like the way his knees felt on the wood floors.

How is it possible that the same little boy is already able to sprint and tell me that "Tyrannosaurus is a carnivore that eats meat and carrion"?  He is such an incredible light and brings joy to the lives of everyone he knows.  He always has a smile on his face and a random comment to put a smile on mine waiting in the reserves.  All day today I have been receiving birthday wishes and declarations of love for this little boy.  I'm so incredibly grateful and overwhelmed at the amount of love that is being shared with someone so small.  I am completely sure that this is all because of him.  His warm smile, his witty sense of humor, and his loving heart all manage to enlighten even random strangers into talking to and about him.  I'm so impressed by him each and every day.  Happy birthday Orion.  Mommy loves you so so much.  You have made me a better person and I learn from you every day.

Stay home day

Monday was a day I got to stay home with Orion and not because someone was sick. It was nice to get to relax,  take a nap,  and spend part of the day cooking and trying new recipes.  I made fried peach pies and u have to say that they are absolutely fantastic.  We also made a new chicken recipe for supper which turned out pretty good,  along with some honey glazed carrots that were alright. For lunch we made homemade pizza and Orion got to make his own.  He seemed to enjoy that and it was yummy. I really love cooking,  but unfortunately when I have already been awake for 12 hours by the time I get home,  my desire to make a big fancy dinner is definitely lacking. Yesterday was s nice though and today was back to work as usual.  They are calling for a huge amount of snow this week again... I really hope they're wrong. 

Silent Sunday

Pity Party

I will warn you ahead of time...this is a blog that will be whiny and full of complaints.  Let me have my pity party.

I often feel like I don't matter to my family at all.  There is 1 person that I hear from with any regularity (my awesome sister Ashley) and the rest of them seem like they could care less if I ceased to exist.  I tried to call my sister 4 times before getting ahold of her...and then 15 minutes of her time was a hassle and I was told she'd call me "later this month."  I hadn't talked to her more than a couple of texts since Thanksgiving.  I talk to Ashley several times a week so I just don't get it.

As if that isn't lame enough, My mother has decided that this year she is going to skip Orion's birthday so that she can go to her friend's birthday party instead.  I just don't get it.  Her friend is someone that she sees a few times a week.  She hasn't seen Orion for more than a couple hours in the last few months.  I guess we just aren't priority.  It breaks my heart, but I have no control over the situation.  I'm tired of begging for attention.  I can literally go weeks without hearing from my mother if I don't call her.  She has no idea what's going on with us unless I take the time to call her to let her know.

And then there is the ever-present void caused by the lack of communication from my father and his family.  I haven't heard from him in months. Not a text, not a call.  Nothing.  There hasn't even been a Facebook comment from him.  He had said that he wanted to video chat with Orion....to read him a book or something.  I gave them a list of all of Orion's books (hundreds of them) and never got a single response about it.  It has been months since I sent that to him.   He hasn't seen anything other than photos of my son in two years.  He's turning 4 in a couple weeks.  Not that it surprises me.  My dad and I have a history of going 5+ years without seeing each other.  I guess it doesn't bother him.  He has a family, so what do I matter?

And his children...well...I don't really blame them.  They don't know me at all.  Why would they want to keep in touch with me?  I have tried to talk to them but I rarely get any response or interest.  It's exhausting to keep trying.  I am tired of putting myself out there for no reason.  It's incredibly tempting to just hide myself away from the world and just focus on my little family.  I'm sick of being hurt by the people that are supposed to "love" me.

I guess the best way to sum things up is that I'm lonely.  I love my little family, but I really don't have any friends that I can depend on.  Everyone seems to bail on me or lose interest at some point.  It's a drag.  Sometimes I would love to have someone to just giggle and gossip with...or to randomly hit a movie...or just get food.  I dunno.  I'm trying.  It has to get better, or else the pain will fade.  It always does.  *sigh*

Sisterly love

In the middle of the afternoon yesterday I got a text from Seth's baby sister Jaime asking is she could come spend the evening with us and of course we were thrilled to get to spend time with her.  Orion loves to play with his Jammy and I'm pretty sure that she's a little fond of him too. 

We took her to eat Cajun food for the first time,  which she seemed to enjoy and we got to spend some time talking about movies and cracking up.  I love spending time with her.  I've known Jaime since she was a little kid and I am so incredibly proud of the beautiful woman she has grown into.  She is intelligent and so funny.  She's fiercely independent and an amazing aunt to my son.  I am so glad she decided to move closer to us.  I've really enjoyed bonding with her and helping her explore the world.  I love girl more than she'll ever know.  She makes me so proud and I can't wait to see the amazing things that she accomplishes.