Pity Party

I will warn you ahead of time...this is a blog that will be whiny and full of complaints.  Let me have my pity party.

I often feel like I don't matter to my family at all.  There is 1 person that I hear from with any regularity (my awesome sister Ashley) and the rest of them seem like they could care less if I ceased to exist.  I tried to call my sister 4 times before getting ahold of her...and then 15 minutes of her time was a hassle and I was told she'd call me "later this month."  I hadn't talked to her more than a couple of texts since Thanksgiving.  I talk to Ashley several times a week so I just don't get it.

As if that isn't lame enough, My mother has decided that this year she is going to skip Orion's birthday so that she can go to her friend's birthday party instead.  I just don't get it.  Her friend is someone that she sees a few times a week.  She hasn't seen Orion for more than a couple hours in the last few months.  I guess we just aren't priority.  It breaks my heart, but I have no control over the situation.  I'm tired of begging for attention.  I can literally go weeks without hearing from my mother if I don't call her.  She has no idea what's going on with us unless I take the time to call her to let her know.

And then there is the ever-present void caused by the lack of communication from my father and his family.  I haven't heard from him in months. Not a text, not a call.  Nothing.  There hasn't even been a Facebook comment from him.  He had said that he wanted to video chat with Orion....to read him a book or something.  I gave them a list of all of Orion's books (hundreds of them) and never got a single response about it.  It has been months since I sent that to him.   He hasn't seen anything other than photos of my son in two years.  He's turning 4 in a couple weeks.  Not that it surprises me.  My dad and I have a history of going 5+ years without seeing each other.  I guess it doesn't bother him.  He has a family, so what do I matter?

And his children...well...I don't really blame them.  They don't know me at all.  Why would they want to keep in touch with me?  I have tried to talk to them but I rarely get any response or interest.  It's exhausting to keep trying.  I am tired of putting myself out there for no reason.  It's incredibly tempting to just hide myself away from the world and just focus on my little family.  I'm sick of being hurt by the people that are supposed to "love" me.

I guess the best way to sum things up is that I'm lonely.  I love my little family, but I really don't have any friends that I can depend on.  Everyone seems to bail on me or lose interest at some point.  It's a drag.  Sometimes I would love to have someone to just giggle and gossip with...or to randomly hit a movie...or just get food.  I dunno.  I'm trying.  It has to get better, or else the pain will fade.  It always does.  *sigh*