Accepting Me

Staring off into space, replaying a conversation that I may someday have to have in the future. Playing both sides in my head in an effort to prepare myself for the worst. It's what I do.

Little things can drive me crazy....like considering how different things would be if I would have ran that stop light, or making sure that I have my ID on me, even if I have checked 4 times already. Eventually these stupid concerns become habit, like touching my ID before walking out the door, or or refusing to say "good-bye" to loved ones when hanging up the phone (I always end with I love you because I think it's a much better sentiment to end on). I try to keep most of this insanity to myself. It's incredibly embarrassing to be caught doing something that logically I understand is stupid, but that doesn't make it any easier to not do it. It's called OCD and it's my life.

There are days that are super easy and it's barely noticeable....days that I don't care if my food happens to touch each other on it's plate and don't wonder if I could pay the bills if my husband were to leave me (mind you we have been together for 10 years so this is a pretty irrational thought). However, there are other days....days that a little thought or idea can drive me insane for hours on end. Days where I replay past conversations to see if I could have made them turn out better, and replay ones that I see myself having in the future to prepare for the worst. Days where I get freaked out when someone else uses my hand sanitizer or tries to hug me. I suffer in my silence because I really do know what that it sounds crazy. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. I have rituals for things...lots of things...that most people don't even notice...even those that are closest to me. I am not a clean freak, and germs don't normally give me the willies, so don't get the wrong idea, but that doesn't mean that I don't suffer in a very different way. I have tried really hard to get past my issues, and some of them I have been able to conquer.

In the past I would never call anyone, and definitely wouldn't call a stranger to do something like, say, order a pizza. Last night I didn't think twice before calling to order food from our local restaurant. I'm not defeated, and I'm not giving up, but more taking the steps to acknowledge that I am different, and I'm ok with that. I think it makes me who I am, but I won't ever let it define me.

Bad Music

I've been told that I have really weird taste in music. To start off, let it be known that "Done Wrong" by Vermillion Lies is currently playing on my last.fm and I'm rocking out in my cubical at work. I love music of many different flavors. If you can spur emotion in me, or make me feel like I should be dancing, or spark a memory, or just do something I tend to fall head over heals in love with your sound. Lyrics are a totally different subject. There have been many songs that I have hated when I initially heard them, but after forcing myself to actually listen to the lyrics I feel myself melting on the inside and letting those words become a part of my soul. Weezer is one of those bands. I really didn't like their sound and the whining of the lead singer just about drove me up the wall, until one day I sat down and listened to the randomness of their lyrics and knew I had been wrong. There are, however, other songs that the lyrics are absolutely horrifyingly terrible, but I love them anyway, because they make me want to move, or dance, or make love, or anything. For example.....there is a song called "Chicken with it's head cut off." Lyrically this has to be absolutely the worst song in existence....but I love it. The sound, the way it makes me feel. I love it. Music just makes me happy....need I say more?

Every Time

Every time I hear the phone ring I jump in anticipation, but then force myself again to beware of the monster that may be on the other line. So many times his laughter has brought me in, enticing me to become like him. So many times I've denied it, or been denied, yet each time it hurts as much as the first. Do I push past the fears and accept it? Do I trust him? How much would it hurt me if I did give in, and he proved that nothing has changed again? Do I need that?

This time seems different, the laughter and love have lasted longer than ever before. No anger, no prodding, yet I'm still afraid. I don't know how long it will take for him to return to that dark place, and bring about the viciousness inside. What have I done to deserve this? Can't I just make all the memories go away and enjoy this while it's here? Why do I feel like I need this so desperately?

He comes in at random, playing the good guy, rescuing me from myself. He makes me believe he can make things different, and better. As soon as I find myself depending on him, he's gone again. No warning, no explanations, just gone. Can I survive that torture again? What will happen if he disappears again? Why can't he be like a "normal" person? What the hell am I saying? What the fuck is normal?

Each time I build myself back into the person I want to be, deciding that I can survive without him, he returns. Every time the longing for him goes away, it is almost like he senses it and breaks down my barriers again. How much will it hurt this time? How do I change it? Can I turn things around? Do I accept him and the inevitable pain, or do I hurt him like he has hurt me so many times before?

Frog Princess Prompt

So today I was updating my blogger profile. I decided to try to get a new "Random Question" because I was bored out of my mind, and this is the prompt that I got:  The children are waiting! Please tell them the story about the bald frog with the wig.   I thought I would throw something out there for fun, but it got a lot longer than it should have....so here is my story!!

Once there was an incredibly vain princess.  She was constantly checking her reflection and thinking "Wow I kick a lot of ass".  Her parents were terrified that she stay single forever (or, more accurately, they wouldn't be able to pawn her off for someone else to deal with her for a change) because she constantly turned down every advance because she felt that no prince was handsome enough for her time.  She'd rather be single than marry someone that she felt was "below" her! Her parents were growing more and more annoyed with her antics, and asked her one day to go find something to do.  The girl was incredibly angry (I mean, she was way more attractive than either of her parents could ever dream) so she decided that she was going to run away and find her own handsome prince, instead of dealing with the disgusting pigs her parents continuously brought before her.  She left the castle, and began walking through the woods in a direction that she was sure would lead her to a country she had heard held insatiable beauty, with only the clothes on her back and a mirror in her pocket.

She quickly began to get irritated with having to walk all by herself.  Her dress was getting dirty, her hair was a mess, and she's pretty sure that a bird had tried to poop on her deliberately!  She was reaching the point where she was ready to turn around and go home (despite the fact that she had only been gone for 15 minutes) when walking down a path came a very old man with a very stereotypical long white beard.  The girl noticed him, and put her nose up in the air as high as she could, hoping the was see her great beauty and leave her alone.  Instead, the man walked directly towards her and said "Hello."  The girl tried to keep walking and pretend she didn't hear him, but he continued to walk towards her and said "Hello" once again.  With the largest, most annoyed sigh she had ever given, the princess responded "Hello" and continued walking, hoping he would leave her alone.

The old man continued to try to make conversation with the princess, asking her where she was going, what she was doing in the woods alone, and trying to tell her that it wasn't a safe place to be. The princess was starting to get scared despite ignoring the old man's pleas for her safety and turned back toward the castle.  She began walking more and more quickly, but the old man was still on her tail.  Finally she gave in her silence, turned around toward the man and screamed "What do you want!??"  He told her "I just want to make sure you get home safely.  The woods are not a safe place for a girl as pretty as you.  I just want your help."  The princess was stunned.  This old man was hitting on her!!!  She turned all of her built up anger at all the ugly people around her and blasted it toward the old man "I am the most beautiful princess in the entire world.  I could have any handsome prince that I wanted wrapped around my finger, and yet you think that I want YOUR help?.  You are an ugly, creepy little toad of a man and I want you to leave me alone."  The old man stood up as tall and straight as he possibly could and said "You must have no idea who I am or your tone would not have turned in such a manner.  I'm the most powerful wizard in the country and could make you look as hideous as me with a simple glance.  You should know, young girl, that your insides are much more ugly than my appearance could ever be.  For that, you shall never know happiness."  He turned to walk away and the princess once again shouted after him "You're a terrible little man!  There is nothing you could ever do that would make me as ugly as you."

The old man stopped in his tracks, sighed deeply, and looked back over the shoulder at the girl.  His gaze met hers and then he continued down the path away from the princess.  As soon as the old man was out of sight, the princess began to feel weird.  Her body tingled and she felt like she had a frog in her throat.  She continued walking toward the castle, hoping to make it home before dark.  As she finally exited the woods and could see the castle in the distance the world suddenly swirled around her.  She found herself wrapped in a warm blanket of cloth and thought someone was trying to capture her.  She worked and struggled and fought, trying to break free of her bonds. When she finally broke free and found the light of day, she felt incredibly weird...almost slimy.  She reached her arms up to fix her hair (which she was sure was a disaster after that fiasco) and found instead a smooth, bald head and let out a scream.  She scrambled to reach into her pocket to find her mirror, but as she tried to slide her hand in her pocket she realized it wasn't there, and either were her cloths.  She looked down and saw the horrible little green body she had suddenly obtained, with webbed toes and fingers.  The young princess searched through what she discovered to be her dress and found her mirror.  She was horrified by her reflection.   She tried to walk over to the grass, to find herself something to cover up both her body and her hideous head.  She made herself a tiny dress out of leaves, and a little green wig out of grass.

I would love to say that this story has a happy ending, but that would be a lie. The princess never learned her lesson.  Instead, she found a group of frogs that she thought were much uglier than her and declared herself her princess.  She's still there today.  If you're walking through the woods one day and see a castle in the distance, look along the path and you just may find the very vain frog princess, in a little green dress and tiny grass wig, sitting on the side of the road and staring at you like she thinks that you are even more hideous than she is.

Cold Blustery December

I haven't written in a few days because I wasn't sure what to say. Some days the words come easily and naturally, and others they feel completely forced. Lately it has all seemed forced. I don't know if I'm coming or going, and my temper has often gotten the best of me because of it. The family Christmas is coming which brings up a whole lot of issues for me, both family, spiritually, and personally. It brings up old memories, both good and bad. Sometimes it tears open an old scar that I thought was completely healed. Other times it will lay to rest something I thought would still hurt. I don't know if it makes any sense at all, but that seems to be a recurrent pattern with me as of late. Oh well. I suppose I should probably leave it at that until I can get my thoughts together. Just thought I'd say that I am still here and alive...just looking for my muse.

A Little Brighter

Today has been a good day. I have been busy as hell and running around like a crazy person, but my mood is definitely lifted and for that I am grateful. Maybe it's because it is Thursday, or because tomorrow my husband and I are going to have our first night out just the 2 of us since my son was born nine months ago. I honestly don't know, but I also honestly don't care. Despite the hustle and bustle of the holiday season (and the fact that our families are both completely nutso) I am incredibly grateful for my amazing life. I truly believe that my hubby and I are providing a much greater life for our son than either of us had in our childhoods. Oddly enough, it almost seems dysfunctional to me to have been together for as long as we have and to still like each other. And not only "like" each other, but absolute love! I mean, I still want to spend every day with him, even after nearly a decade together. He's given me a life that I know I wouldn't have without him, not to mention my absolutely amazing little boy! I guess the easiest way to say it is that today I woke up feeling like all is right in my little tiny bubble in the world. (now I'm going to go crawl in my hole and hide because I DREAD the evil that lurks at the very corners of my admittance that things are going well)

Ignorance is an Occupational Hazard

Have you ever had one of those days? One where you have to tell yourself that you're better than those around you or fall to pieces? One where the words coming out of the mouths that surround you make your mind blank while trying to understand the stupidity? I try to be a person that values those people that I keep as company...someone who holds myself to a high standard...unfortunately when at work you don't always have that option. Every once in a while I stumble upon someone who just amazes me with the level of ignorance they have encroached upon. I'm not talking about the user who can't tell the difference between logging into the computer and logging into email, or the user who has their bank account name and password on a sticky note under their keyboard. Those people are what keep my job going. I'm more annoyed by the petty nonsense that comes out of no where for no apparent reason. Complaints about little things like "your mail was in my mailbox and I refuse to be responsible for what happens to it" are very kindergarten "He put his crayon on my desk so threw it away" type of mentality. It drives me INSANE! Or complaints about what happens in the office of someone else.....or "hey I have this problem at home which has absolutely nothing to do with this place or my job but I think you should help me fix it." Not my problem people. So those are just my two cents. Sorry if this makes little to no sense at all, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make it in the modern world!