Every Time

Every time I hear the phone ring I jump in anticipation, but then force myself again to beware of the monster that may be on the other line. So many times his laughter has brought me in, enticing me to become like him. So many times I've denied it, or been denied, yet each time it hurts as much as the first. Do I push past the fears and accept it? Do I trust him? How much would it hurt me if I did give in, and he proved that nothing has changed again? Do I need that?

This time seems different, the laughter and love have lasted longer than ever before. No anger, no prodding, yet I'm still afraid. I don't know how long it will take for him to return to that dark place, and bring about the viciousness inside. What have I done to deserve this? Can't I just make all the memories go away and enjoy this while it's here? Why do I feel like I need this so desperately?

He comes in at random, playing the good guy, rescuing me from myself. He makes me believe he can make things different, and better. As soon as I find myself depending on him, he's gone again. No warning, no explanations, just gone. Can I survive that torture again? What will happen if he disappears again? Why can't he be like a "normal" person? What the hell am I saying? What the fuck is normal?

Each time I build myself back into the person I want to be, deciding that I can survive without him, he returns. Every time the longing for him goes away, it is almost like he senses it and breaks down my barriers again. How much will it hurt this time? How do I change it? Can I turn things around? Do I accept him and the inevitable pain, or do I hurt him like he has hurt me so many times before?