Uncertainty

Things really never do end up how you seem.  Sometimes things fall apart when you least expect it...or maybe just fall into place in way you weren't expecting.  Sometimes it feels like everything is shattered and you don't know how to pick up the pieces.  Other times it seems more like it melts into an indistinguishable puddle.   I guess that's what the uncertainty of life is all about.  It's that unknown that can drive a person crazy.  The wondering and considering...the not knowing the effect of everything...*sigh* I wish I had all the answers, or even some of them.  I'd be happy with some sort of guidance in the right direction.  A helpful word telling me that I wasn't just making a mess of everything would be fine.  Instead we're all stuck trying to figure out a recipe when we aren't even sure what the right ingredients are or if we even have them.

Thoughts in the Dark

Sometimes in the darkness of night my mind runs like crazy. My  heart pounds and it's hard to catch my breath.  The realization that I'm alone in the house with a small child is terrifying and I can almost hear see the  monsters hiding in the shadows.  It's not sane, I know...but sometimes it still scares the hell out of me.  It's nights like this that I desperately hate sleeping alone. I so badly wish there was someone here to tell me that things are ok and that I'm not alone.  Laying in bed in the dark with nothing but strangers in a 25 mile range is overwhelming at times. Sometimes I enjoy being on my own and doing things my own way. Nights like this though I would give up that freedom just to have someone next to me to hold my hand and make the world feel a little safer...a little more solid.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks.  Who am I supposed to run to when the nightmares are just too much to face alone in the dark?

Accepting Me

Staring off into space, replaying a conversation that I may someday have to have in the future. Playing both sides in my head in an effort to prepare myself for the worst. It's what I do.

Little things can drive me crazy....like considering how different things would be if I would have ran that stop light, or making sure that I have my ID on me, even if I have checked 4 times already. Eventually these stupid concerns become habit, like touching my ID before walking out the door, or or refusing to say "good-bye" to loved ones when hanging up the phone (I always end with I love you because I think it's a much better sentiment to end on). I try to keep most of this insanity to myself. It's incredibly embarrassing to be caught doing something that logically I understand is stupid, but that doesn't make it any easier to not do it. It's called OCD and it's my life.

There are days that are super easy and it's barely noticeable....days that I don't care if my food happens to touch each other on it's plate and don't wonder if I could pay the bills if my husband were to leave me (mind you we have been together for 10 years so this is a pretty irrational thought). However, there are other days....days that a little thought or idea can drive me insane for hours on end. Days where I replay past conversations to see if I could have made them turn out better, and replay ones that I see myself having in the future to prepare for the worst. Days where I get freaked out when someone else uses my hand sanitizer or tries to hug me. I suffer in my silence because I really do know what that it sounds crazy. I don't want people to think I'm crazy. I have rituals for things...lots of things...that most people don't even notice...even those that are closest to me. I am not a clean freak, and germs don't normally give me the willies, so don't get the wrong idea, but that doesn't mean that I don't suffer in a very different way. I have tried really hard to get past my issues, and some of them I have been able to conquer.

In the past I would never call anyone, and definitely wouldn't call a stranger to do something like, say, order a pizza. Last night I didn't think twice before calling to order food from our local restaurant. I'm not defeated, and I'm not giving up, but more taking the steps to acknowledge that I am different, and I'm ok with that. I think it makes me who I am, but I won't ever let it define me.