Oops....At least I found my way home.

I had absolutely every intention of posting a blog about something yesterday...and then I got home from work...and forgot.  Yep, so thus far I've stuck to my 2 post a week pledge, but I've had a little trouble keeping the dates solidly Monday, Wednesday.  Oops!  At least they're getting put up right?

So overall, life is pretty fantastic right now. That's hard to believe with the lovely Car Adventure I just took, but I was able to pay for that repair and make it home to my family so I'm definitely not going to let that get me down.

Classes have started up again, and I have to say that I'm not nearly as stressed out about it as I have been in the past (catch me again on Finals week to have me eat those words).  I've done really well in my classes and graduation is in sight for the future.  That's a really incredible feeling.  By next spring I should have my Bachelor's degree in my hand.  It's a goal that I have had since I was a little kid and it makes me incredibly proud to be headed toward completion.  I also found out today that I managed to make the Dean's List for last semester.  I'd say that's pretty awesome considering everything I hold on my plate.

I also really enjoy my job and feel like I do it well.  There are days where I leave feeling defeated of course, but overall I think I know what I am doing and I feel like I'm appreciated by my supervisors. That alone is a huge part of my job satisfaction and I really appreciate that feeling.  I'm often given extra little tasks and jobs that others may not get to do and it makes me feel important.  AND I get to help teachers that are often incredibly frustrated to do their job better.  While occasionally we get some that are rude or disrespectful, I also get calls from people who are incredibly appreciative of the work that I do and am told on a pretty regular basis that I must be some sort of super hero.  It's a pretty spectacular feeling.

On top of both of those things, I have a really incredible family that makes me feel so incredibly loved and special.  Orion is such a spectacular little boy with so much energy and joy in him that it is overwhelming at times.  He is so intelligent and absorbs so much information that I have no idea how I am going to keep up.  My life is better simply because he exists.   And Seth ...well...how do you even explain that?

Sometimes life takes incredibly bizarre and unexpected turns and you end up someplace that you didn't expect, yet it feels exactly right.  That's how it is with Seth.  Two years ago I never expected to be where we are now.  Five years ago I couldn't even imagine what was to come.  Today, it's hard to imagine it any other way.  I'm not going to try to blow smoke and pretend that things were always perfect or anything like that, but sometimes I actually believe that things happen for a reason.  We've both lived and learned a lot, and it lead us to where we are now...which to me is home.  I'm sure that not everyone agrees with how we've chosen to live our lives and sometimes that still bugs me, but at the same time, it is our life and I'm very happy where I am.  That's what matters right?  I have no idea what the future holds, but right now I know this is where I belong. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and laid in bed watching him sleep (creepy, I know).  Laying next to him I realized that he is a ball of energy that makes me feel whole.  The only thing I know for sure is that I somehow managed to find my way home.

Awkward Mourning

It's definitely weird to be back here.  There are awkward silences where they wouldn't be awkward before.  I'm not quite sure what to say or how to behave.  Part of me knows that they are glad I'm here, but I also feel a bit like I'm in the way.  I really just want to stay out of the way.  I don't want to make this process any harder for anyone.  I am glad that I got to have some time with Arlana today at least.  I don't feel weird around her the way I do around Seth's family.   Oh well.  I know I need to be here and I'm glad that I can be.  It's just weird.

My Little Hero

Tonight was a pretty laid back night spent with Orion.  It definitely put me in a better mood and a way better place than I've been for a few days.  That boy can make me laugh so hard with just a look.  Hearing him laugh, or even fake it, puts a smile on my face every time.  Him covering his face and yelling "that's funny momma" is so damn cute.  We ran to the store, had supper together, and then watched the Smurfs movie.  It wasn't as bad as I had expected for sure, and getting to watch something with O that I remember watching when I was little was kind of special.  It made me feel all sentimental and I was thrilled to see that he liked the Smurfs as much as I used to.  Not to mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it!

By the time the movie was done it was bed time for O.  I laid him down, kissed his face, and told him I loved him, just like I do every night.  He always asks me to lay down with him, and most nights I tell him that I have to go to my bed.  Tonight though I took those few extra minutes to lay down next to him and just listen to him breath as he started to doze off.  Keep in mind this isn't an easy task.  Orion still sleeps in a toddler bed...meaning the mattress is the size of a crib.  Needless to say, there isn't a lot of free space on the bed.  As he drifted off to sleep I kissed his little nose and snuck out of the room.  The house was silent and it's always that moment when the loneliness is at it's peak.  There is no noise, no life.  It's a hard time of day for me.  Instead of dwelling in it I picked out a nail polish, put on some  Vitamin String Quartet and just chilled for a little bit.   I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday.  I still have a busy mind and desperately need to sleep, but that sense of inconsolable sadness is gone for now.  Sometimes all it takes is an evening to remind me just how lucky I am.

Insecurities

Insecurities.  I have about a million of them...mental, emotional, physical things that I am embarrassed about or just don't feel comfortable with.  For example...my teeth.   I hate them.  For years I've hated my smile and just the thought of having to show my teeth makes me very uncomfortable.  They are not straight, not perfectly white...and I have fangs.  No, I'm not making that up.  I have two incisors that are longer and sharper looking than the rest of my teeth giving them a very fang-like appearance.  I've used them to frighten children.  It's sad.  I've considered having them fixed, but the idea of being put back into braces is almost worse than the teeth themselves (I still have real physical scars from my first adventure there).  So for now I live with them and am trying to learn to accept them.  I'm happy again, and with that comes my smile.  For now I will try to grin and bear it (pun intended).

Forgot to Breath

Laying here holding my breath because somewhere along the way I've forgotten how to breathe.  My eyes are closed to hide from the rage that fills my vision.  Covering my ears to block out the noises that ring in my head.  I bite my tongue to keep it in place, knowing it only seeks to destroy that which I so desperately want to resolve. The thoughts pound through my mind like an unwanted stampede, racing this way and that, with no way to rein it all in.  I search for an answer, a way to make it stop, but all I find is a barrage of chaos aimed at tearing me apart.  I no longer know how to respond or which way to turn. Every time I feel like I have it figured out, my world seems to collapse around me and I'm left behind, grasping for some level of sanity, and praying for my survival.  

Aural Ecstasy

I'm trying to find the words to explain the way I feel....the emotion that is buried in my brain.  It's nearly impossible.  I can't explain it well enough to make it easy to comprehend exactly what I'm experiencing.  I want to show it to the world, but at the same time I try not to say it too much because I don't want the words to lose their value and mean less because they are the standard.  I  haven't yet found adequate words to explain that connection.  It's is like hearing a song for the first time and realizing that it's your favorite song.   You don't know what caused it, or why it is that it has touched you so deeply, but you find yourself wanting to know every note and lyric.  Wanting to understand the meaning behind it and all the stories that made it what it is. Wanting to share that joy with the world while at the same time wanting to hoard it away and keep it all to yourself to enjoy over and over...listening to it on repeat because it never gets old.

Samplings of a Letter

I sometimes find myself sitting at my desk wondering if insanity is really such a bad option.  Right now I almost pray for delusions of grandeur and visions of dancing unicorns.  I don't think the truly insane feel pain like this.  Never have I felt so inconsolably lost.  I fake my way through the day with smiles and positivity while inside I'm torn, beaten, and burning.  I'm overwhelmed with the support across the board and don't know how to respond to it....or how to explain that some days no matter how much they all care, it isn't nearly enough.

I'm trying to find the time to learn who I am now...as a person.  I've spent my entire adulthood as a couple and am unsure how to approach the world now that the security of that is gone.  Even time seems to move differently now.  It seems to blur together and stand still at the same time.  Maybe I need a new habit.....or hobby as the case may be, but nothing seems to keep my attention.  TV and movies aren't the same when I'm alone (stupid romance), gaming alone is lame, I can't focus on anything long enough to read.  Hell, writing this has been almost like pulling teeth.  That isn't to say I'm not enjoying writing, but that it takes much more effort than it ever has and makes it hard to want to "try" something that has always come so naturally.  I just want to sleep away my time and not bother with anything else.  I'm always so tired.