I sometimes find myself sitting at my desk wondering if insanity is
really such a bad option. Right now I almost pray for delusions of
grandeur and visions of dancing unicorns. I don't think the truly
insane feel pain like this. Never have I felt so inconsolably lost. I
fake my way through the day with smiles and positivity while inside I'm
torn, beaten, and burning. I'm overwhelmed with the support across the
board and don't know how to respond to it....or how to explain that some
days no matter how much they all care, it isn't nearly enough.
I'm trying to find the time to learn who I am now...as a person. I've
spent my entire adulthood as a couple and am unsure how to approach the
world now that the security of that is gone. Even time seems to move
differently now. It seems to blur together and stand still at the same
time. Maybe I need a new habit.....or hobby as the case may be, but
nothing seems to keep my attention. TV and movies aren't the same when
I'm alone (stupid romance), gaming alone is lame, I can't focus on
anything long enough to read. Hell, writing this has been almost like
pulling teeth. That isn't to say I'm not enjoying writing, but that it
takes much more effort than it ever has and makes it hard to want to
"try" something that has always come so naturally. I just want to sleep
away my time and not bother with anything else. I'm always so tired.
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