Awkward Mourning

It's definitely weird to be back here.  There are awkward silences where they wouldn't be awkward before.  I'm not quite sure what to say or how to behave.  Part of me knows that they are glad I'm here, but I also feel a bit like I'm in the way.  I really just want to stay out of the way.  I don't want to make this process any harder for anyone.  I am glad that I got to have some time with Arlana today at least.  I don't feel weird around her the way I do around Seth's family.   Oh well.  I know I need to be here and I'm glad that I can be.  It's just weird.

Valentine Rollercoaster

What a roller coaster of a day.  Orion woke up before the alarm clock this morning and the little dude was still sick.  We got up, got ready, and took him into town to spend the day with his daddy so I could go to work.  As I was leaving Seth's place, the front stairs of the apartment complex were...umm...well let's just say they were a little slippery.  I somehow managed to baseball slide down the entire flight.  Needless to say that hurt like a bitch! Of course there was an entire van full of people sitting there to see my graceful moves.  *sigh*

I picked myself up, brushed off my pride, and went to work...where of course I was now late! Luckily my boss is awesome and wasn't upset about it.   Work was ok, nothing terribly exciting.   However, today is Valentine's day...and for the first time ever I got flowers!  They are beautiful roses.  They smelled amazing and made the day seem a lot better off. I also got a carnation from Orion.  He was so proud.  I've always played off Valentine's day to be not a big deal...and really it isn't, but there is something that just makes you feel good to know that someone cares about you that much.  It also helps to be "that" girl with a dozen roses sitting at her desk.  It definitely helped to brighten my day a whole lot.   

After work I drove home and started cooking supper.  We got a phone call that Seth's grandpa is not doing well at all.  They said he is going downhill quickly so we may have to be making a trip out there sometime this week.   As I said, a roller coaster of a day. I'm in bed and just hoping to get some sleep once I get this all posted.  I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine's day.

Hemingway Prompt

 Today I made the following post on both Facebook and Google+: 

 

Someone once bet Ernest Hemingway that he found not write a short story in just six words. This is what he came up with:

For sale: baby shoes, never used.

He won the bet and is said to have considered it his best work. Those six words paint a story...one that may be different for every reader. I know I have some very creative friends out there so I challenge each of you to come up with your own 6 word story.

This isn't some random Facebook chain letter by the way. This comes straight from the random mind of yours truly. I'm very curious to see what you all come up with.

 

I got some really interesting comments so far and I'm hoping to get some more over the next couple days.  Here is what I've got so far: 

• This is a lie...believe me.
• She waved! But not at you.
• The chainsaw screams. So does she.
• I said I have to pee.
• Out of meds, and he pushed...
• Afraid of the dark. Scratching. Noises.
• pinano pants. the memories are grand
• I used to dream in color.
• Black car, one bullet, life lost
• Sorry, never happened to me before

It's been a fun project.  I'm hoping to come up with some more ideas like that to post and spark thoughts in other people.  I like that stuff. 

Thoughts in the Dark

Sometimes in the darkness of night my mind runs like crazy. My  heart pounds and it's hard to catch my breath.  The realization that I'm alone in the house with a small child is terrifying and I can almost hear see the  monsters hiding in the shadows.  It's not sane, I know...but sometimes it still scares the hell out of me.  It's nights like this that I desperately hate sleeping alone. I so badly wish there was someone here to tell me that things are ok and that I'm not alone.  Laying in bed in the dark with nothing but strangers in a 25 mile range is overwhelming at times. Sometimes I enjoy being on my own and doing things my own way. Nights like this though I would give up that freedom just to have someone next to me to hold my hand and make the world feel a little safer...a little more solid.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks.  Who am I supposed to run to when the nightmares are just too much to face alone in the dark?

My Little Hero

Tonight was a pretty laid back night spent with Orion.  It definitely put me in a better mood and a way better place than I've been for a few days.  That boy can make me laugh so hard with just a look.  Hearing him laugh, or even fake it, puts a smile on my face every time.  Him covering his face and yelling "that's funny momma" is so damn cute.  We ran to the store, had supper together, and then watched the Smurfs movie.  It wasn't as bad as I had expected for sure, and getting to watch something with O that I remember watching when I was little was kind of special.  It made me feel all sentimental and I was thrilled to see that he liked the Smurfs as much as I used to.  Not to mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it!

By the time the movie was done it was bed time for O.  I laid him down, kissed his face, and told him I loved him, just like I do every night.  He always asks me to lay down with him, and most nights I tell him that I have to go to my bed.  Tonight though I took those few extra minutes to lay down next to him and just listen to him breath as he started to doze off.  Keep in mind this isn't an easy task.  Orion still sleeps in a toddler bed...meaning the mattress is the size of a crib.  Needless to say, there isn't a lot of free space on the bed.  As he drifted off to sleep I kissed his little nose and snuck out of the room.  The house was silent and it's always that moment when the loneliness is at it's peak.  There is no noise, no life.  It's a hard time of day for me.  Instead of dwelling in it I picked out a nail polish, put on some  Vitamin String Quartet and just chilled for a little bit.   I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday.  I still have a busy mind and desperately need to sleep, but that sense of inconsolable sadness is gone for now.  Sometimes all it takes is an evening to remind me just how lucky I am.

Mental Jukebox

Today I took the time to try to track the songs that play in my head throughout the day.  It's all over the place, random, and how my brains work.  Enjoy the crazy.

Lip Gloss by Lil Mama
Kill You by Eminem
Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
Airplanes by B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams
Hoes & Ladies by Lil Wayne
Fuck you by Lily Allen
People of Walmart by Jessica Frech
Cookin by the Book by Lazytown (mashup)
Falling Away From Me by Korn
Time of My Life by David Cook
Roll Out by Ludacris
Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5
Into the Ocean by Blue October
My Heart by Paramore
Love the way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rihanna
Double Team by Tenacious D
Stupify by Disturbed
Roman's Revenge by Nicki Minaj
Crossroads by Bone Thugs
Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
Dance (Ass) Remix by Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj
Not Myself by Christina Aguilera
Don't Matter by Akon
Schizophrenia by Blue October
Anyone Else But You by Moldy Peaches

So that's what's playing in my head right now...from the time I woke up until now...at least the stuff I was able to catch.  Who needs the radio with a mental playlist like that??

Birthday!!

Today was my birthday party and what a day it turned out to be.  Tamara and JoDee were here from Wyoming and we spent most of the day lounging around the house watching movies and giggling at randomness.  We did hit up Seward for some lunch and quality time to scare the locals.  For supper we drove into town and grabbed some bbq...and I got a pretty princess birthday tiara.  It was a requirement of my celebration!

There was lots of laughter and stories at supper. Afterwords we all ended up going to a bar/pool hall to play a few games of pool.  We are all equally horrible players so it was a lot of fun.

Carra fell off the pool table, Dawn got to be my awesome pool partner, Ashley and I danced to Lady GaGa, and Tamara played cheerleader.  All in all I'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves a lot more than I had originally anticipated.  It was a pretty damn good night.