Thoughts in the Dark

Sometimes in the darkness of night my mind runs like crazy. My  heart pounds and it's hard to catch my breath.  The realization that I'm alone in the house with a small child is terrifying and I can almost hear see the  monsters hiding in the shadows.  It's not sane, I know...but sometimes it still scares the hell out of me.  It's nights like this that I desperately hate sleeping alone. I so badly wish there was someone here to tell me that things are ok and that I'm not alone.  Laying in bed in the dark with nothing but strangers in a 25 mile range is overwhelming at times. Sometimes I enjoy being on my own and doing things my own way. Nights like this though I would give up that freedom just to have someone next to me to hold my hand and make the world feel a little safer...a little more solid.  Sometimes being a grown up sucks.  Who am I supposed to run to when the nightmares are just too much to face alone in the dark?

My Little Hero

Tonight was a pretty laid back night spent with Orion.  It definitely put me in a better mood and a way better place than I've been for a few days.  That boy can make me laugh so hard with just a look.  Hearing him laugh, or even fake it, puts a smile on my face every time.  Him covering his face and yelling "that's funny momma" is so damn cute.  We ran to the store, had supper together, and then watched the Smurfs movie.  It wasn't as bad as I had expected for sure, and getting to watch something with O that I remember watching when I was little was kind of special.  It made me feel all sentimental and I was thrilled to see that he liked the Smurfs as much as I used to.  Not to mention Neil Patrick Harris was in it!

By the time the movie was done it was bed time for O.  I laid him down, kissed his face, and told him I loved him, just like I do every night.  He always asks me to lay down with him, and most nights I tell him that I have to go to my bed.  Tonight though I took those few extra minutes to lay down next to him and just listen to him breath as he started to doze off.  Keep in mind this isn't an easy task.  Orion still sleeps in a toddler bed...meaning the mattress is the size of a crib.  Needless to say, there isn't a lot of free space on the bed.  As he drifted off to sleep I kissed his little nose and snuck out of the room.  The house was silent and it's always that moment when the loneliness is at it's peak.  There is no noise, no life.  It's a hard time of day for me.  Instead of dwelling in it I picked out a nail polish, put on some  Vitamin String Quartet and just chilled for a little bit.   I'm in a much better place today than I was yesterday.  I still have a busy mind and desperately need to sleep, but that sense of inconsolable sadness is gone for now.  Sometimes all it takes is an evening to remind me just how lucky I am.

Mental Jukebox

Today I took the time to try to track the songs that play in my head throughout the day.  It's all over the place, random, and how my brains work.  Enjoy the crazy.

Lip Gloss by Lil Mama
Kill You by Eminem
Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
Airplanes by B.O.B. ft. Hayley Williams
Hoes & Ladies by Lil Wayne
Fuck you by Lily Allen
People of Walmart by Jessica Frech
Cookin by the Book by Lazytown (mashup)
Falling Away From Me by Korn
Time of My Life by David Cook
Roll Out by Ludacris
Moves like Jagger by Maroon 5
Into the Ocean by Blue October
My Heart by Paramore
Love the way You Lie by Eminem ft. Rihanna
Double Team by Tenacious D
Stupify by Disturbed
Roman's Revenge by Nicki Minaj
Crossroads by Bone Thugs
Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
Dance (Ass) Remix by Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj
Not Myself by Christina Aguilera
Don't Matter by Akon
Schizophrenia by Blue October
Anyone Else But You by Moldy Peaches

So that's what's playing in my head right now...from the time I woke up until now...at least the stuff I was able to catch.  Who needs the radio with a mental playlist like that??

Birthday!!

Today was my birthday party and what a day it turned out to be.  Tamara and JoDee were here from Wyoming and we spent most of the day lounging around the house watching movies and giggling at randomness.  We did hit up Seward for some lunch and quality time to scare the locals.  For supper we drove into town and grabbed some bbq...and I got a pretty princess birthday tiara.  It was a requirement of my celebration!

There was lots of laughter and stories at supper. Afterwords we all ended up going to a bar/pool hall to play a few games of pool.  We are all equally horrible players so it was a lot of fun.

Carra fell off the pool table, Dawn got to be my awesome pool partner, Ashley and I danced to Lady GaGa, and Tamara played cheerleader.  All in all I'm pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves a lot more than I had originally anticipated.  It was a pretty damn good night. 

Insecurities

Insecurities.  I have about a million of them...mental, emotional, physical things that I am embarrassed about or just don't feel comfortable with.  For example...my teeth.   I hate them.  For years I've hated my smile and just the thought of having to show my teeth makes me very uncomfortable.  They are not straight, not perfectly white...and I have fangs.  No, I'm not making that up.  I have two incisors that are longer and sharper looking than the rest of my teeth giving them a very fang-like appearance.  I've used them to frighten children.  It's sad.  I've considered having them fixed, but the idea of being put back into braces is almost worse than the teeth themselves (I still have real physical scars from my first adventure there).  So for now I live with them and am trying to learn to accept them.  I'm happy again, and with that comes my smile.  For now I will try to grin and bear it (pun intended).

Forgot to Breath

Laying here holding my breath because somewhere along the way I've forgotten how to breathe.  My eyes are closed to hide from the rage that fills my vision.  Covering my ears to block out the noises that ring in my head.  I bite my tongue to keep it in place, knowing it only seeks to destroy that which I so desperately want to resolve. The thoughts pound through my mind like an unwanted stampede, racing this way and that, with no way to rein it all in.  I search for an answer, a way to make it stop, but all I find is a barrage of chaos aimed at tearing me apart.  I no longer know how to respond or which way to turn. Every time I feel like I have it figured out, my world seems to collapse around me and I'm left behind, grasping for some level of sanity, and praying for my survival.  

Nightmares

It's almost 5am and I just woke up from one of the most fucked up nightmares I've ever had.
Key points: 
It kept changing between two totally different points of view, 1st person (me as the kid & me watching the kid).
Helping the man I'm with torture someone else in what appears to be a big walk in furnace w a fire in the middle. The room we're in seems to be a large semi-abandoned looking warehouse for some random brand of icecream. The icon on the icecream looks like the big boy logo.
I walk into the big furnace to help him push some unseen victim into a cage deep inside the furnace & off to the right. Both sides are lined with these cages. He walks toward the entrance of the furnace and I follow. As we go to walk past the fire in the center the camera changes and I watch as the man turns around and pushes me hard back into the fire. I can see the fear in my eyes.  And then I can see the pain as the flames touch my skin and start to burn. My shirt bursts into flames and I'm screaming. The embers from the bottom are embedding themselves into my back. I can't get out...all I can do is watch myself scream in pain.   
The man reaches for me, takes my hand, and pulls me out of the fire. The camera moves and I can see the charred black skin on my back. I know I need a hospital or I will die. I then am back to being the kid. The man asks me if I'm in much pain. I tell him I think I will be ok (wtf). He says "I saved you, thank you very much."   I actually thank him then for saving me. He is horrible and terrifying, and I thank him.  He then walks behind me to look at the damage.
He says "the skin is quite damaged thank you very much."  (My brain keeps thinking of the count in princess bride).  I tell him it only hurts a little. There is suddenly a searing pain in the center of my back and I scream again. He turns me around and shows me a latch hook as thick as one of my fingers. He says "there wasn't much pain, but the matching on in your back makes it so I am able to keep you here if you misbehave, thank you very much."  
I nod silently and walk away. Together him and I walk out to a van/ice cream truck. I get into the seat and have to sit clear forward to avoid the pain of the burns and torn flesh. He is driving and I am giving completely half hearted & random directions. We somehow end up at one of the icecream parlors from the warehouse. He asks me "you think it was a good idea to bring me to one of my own shops?"  I see an amused spark in his eye. I want to scream but somehow know better. He parks the van behind the store and walks around it. He opens my door & grabs me by my hair to pull me out of the van. He uses my hair & latch hook to drag me into the back of the store and through a trap door. Here, next to the walk in freezer is a giant tool box. He throws me into a corner where I hit a wall hard and am somewhat dazed.
The camera changes again and I'm watching the events happening. He grabbs a handful of latch hooks out of the tool box and then approaches me. He pushes me completely to the floor (laying on my belly) and sits on me. He uses a blade to cut holes in my skin (which are still to small) and shoves about a dozen latches into my back from neck to tail bone. There is so much pain and so much blood. At first I scream & beg & cry. Eventually I stop fighting and am just laying there. I thought I had died. He finishes his work and stands up to admire it. He then pulls me off of the floor and sits me up on a table. The camera moves again behind me so I can see the mangled flesh that used to be my back, then I'm me again. I can feel his breath on my skin & smell the sweat. He's pressed up against me hard. He's hard. He leans close and whispers in my ear. "The pain is temporary thank you very much. I had to be sure I could contain you in a moments notice thank you very much". He smiles at me. He hugs me. I want to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. I'd rather be dead right now. He takes my hand lovingly and stands me up. He walks me towards the walk in freezer. As he opens the door I can see destroyed bodies of others hung along the walls...and in the very back is my throne. A huge chair practically covered with chains & blades. One set of the chains run down the back of the chair & would fit perfectly through the hooks in my back. I can see what he has planned, and as he walks into the freezer, I pull my hand away suddenly and slam the freezer door shut behind him. I hear him scream in rage as I sprint as hard as I can up the stairs and start to fumble with the trap door. I finally find the latch and as I open the door to escape I woke up.
So now I'm laying in bed with a light on and a (happy) movie playing in the background. I know I need to get up and get ready for work but I am so tired. I just want to sleep but don't know if I can do that either. Fuck this day already.