Cold Blustery December

I haven't written in a few days because I wasn't sure what to say. Some days the words come easily and naturally, and others they feel completely forced. Lately it has all seemed forced. I don't know if I'm coming or going, and my temper has often gotten the best of me because of it. The family Christmas is coming which brings up a whole lot of issues for me, both family, spiritually, and personally. It brings up old memories, both good and bad. Sometimes it tears open an old scar that I thought was completely healed. Other times it will lay to rest something I thought would still hurt. I don't know if it makes any sense at all, but that seems to be a recurrent pattern with me as of late. Oh well. I suppose I should probably leave it at that until I can get my thoughts together. Just thought I'd say that I am still here and alive...just looking for my muse.

A Little Brighter

Today has been a good day. I have been busy as hell and running around like a crazy person, but my mood is definitely lifted and for that I am grateful. Maybe it's because it is Thursday, or because tomorrow my husband and I are going to have our first night out just the 2 of us since my son was born nine months ago. I honestly don't know, but I also honestly don't care. Despite the hustle and bustle of the holiday season (and the fact that our families are both completely nutso) I am incredibly grateful for my amazing life. I truly believe that my hubby and I are providing a much greater life for our son than either of us had in our childhoods. Oddly enough, it almost seems dysfunctional to me to have been together for as long as we have and to still like each other. And not only "like" each other, but absolute love! I mean, I still want to spend every day with him, even after nearly a decade together. He's given me a life that I know I wouldn't have without him, not to mention my absolutely amazing little boy! I guess the easiest way to say it is that today I woke up feeling like all is right in my little tiny bubble in the world. (now I'm going to go crawl in my hole and hide because I DREAD the evil that lurks at the very corners of my admittance that things are going well)

Ignorance is an Occupational Hazard

Have you ever had one of those days? One where you have to tell yourself that you're better than those around you or fall to pieces? One where the words coming out of the mouths that surround you make your mind blank while trying to understand the stupidity? I try to be a person that values those people that I keep as company...someone who holds myself to a high standard...unfortunately when at work you don't always have that option. Every once in a while I stumble upon someone who just amazes me with the level of ignorance they have encroached upon. I'm not talking about the user who can't tell the difference between logging into the computer and logging into email, or the user who has their bank account name and password on a sticky note under their keyboard. Those people are what keep my job going. I'm more annoyed by the petty nonsense that comes out of no where for no apparent reason. Complaints about little things like "your mail was in my mailbox and I refuse to be responsible for what happens to it" are very kindergarten "He put his crayon on my desk so threw it away" type of mentality. It drives me INSANE! Or complaints about what happens in the office of someone else.....or "hey I have this problem at home which has absolutely nothing to do with this place or my job but I think you should help me fix it." Not my problem people. So those are just my two cents. Sorry if this makes little to no sense at all, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to make it in the modern world!

Maternal Observations

Ever growing, ever changing, ever evolving. This is the nature of humanity. Sometimes we are forced to step outside of ourselves and see where we fit into this puzzle. Sometimes we are the leader, the one who sets the path and marches to the beat of our own drum. Sometimes we are the follower, listening desperately for the drum beat and rushing to find the path that someone else has created. However, most of the time we are actually the drum, responsible for setting the pace and creating the beat, even when we have no clue what is going on. To successfully navigate through this world, you have to be comfortable with all of these roles, and knowing when you need to fill them. Becoming a mother has changed my life more than anything in the world ever could. Never before have I felt so loved and important, or so terrified and incompetent. My son has truly shown me that sometimes I have to set the path for him and show him what to do, but other times I have to follow his lead, and he'll teach me how things work. I have no doubt in my mind that he will grow to be an amazing man. I only hope that I can be half as an amazing woman as he deserves to have as a mommy.